How TED* Became My Rescuer

My dear friend, colleague and longtime TED* facilitator, Jennifer Herold shares this guest blog as an example of how The Empowerment Dynamic, itself, became her Rescuer.  I am delighted to share her profound insight.  Enjoy!

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 In the early years of my introduction and work with the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) and The Empowerment Dynamic® (TED), I was clear that living more of my life in empowerment was my goal. I knew that it was a better alternative. However, as I practiced this new way of operating, I discovered a pattern that was at play and not serving me well.

 This is what would happen: I would get spun up about something. I could quickly identify my roles in the DDT and thought, “Great, now I can shift!” I would move quickly into the roles of Creator, Challenger and/or Coach. Yay, Me!

 The healthy side of that was being confident in my ability to identify roles and make a shift. The unhealthy side was that I could become a bit self-righteous about it. “Look at me and how evolved I am that I can so easily make this shift!” I said in my inside voice. I was energized by the change and felt pretty proud of myself.

 Over time, I noticed that the shift was often very temporary, and I would easily end up back in the DDT. What was that about?!

 What I have come to learn over the years is that I had made TED* my easy button…my Rescuer. Ugh! Right back in the DDT. That Rescuer role can be so sneaky and is often dressed in good intentions. What I was doing was merely performing the empowerment roles, but was I embodying them? Was it really, truly a shift?

 One of the subtle traps of personal growth work is that we can become attached to appearing empowered instead of actually being present with ourselves. Sometimes the quickest shift into Creator is not true creation at all, but an attempt to escape discomfort.

 We may use the language of empowerment to bypass grief, fear, shame, disappointment, or vulnerability. But emotions that are pushed aside do not disappear; they simply wait for another opportunity to surface.

 Real embodiment of TED* often looks less polished than we imagine. It may involve slowing down, breathing, admitting we are reactive, and allowing ourselves to be human before we can genuinely choose again. Ironically, the deepest empowerment often begins with compassionate honesty about where we really are.

 Once we learn this framework and have this language, it can be so tempting to make being in the DDT “bad” and moving to TED* “good”. Those roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer can be painted as unhealthy ways of showing up in the world that need to go away.

 In reality, we all assume these roles, regularly.   It is part of the universal human operating system.  The real growth is when we are able to notice our roles and, when experiencing that we are going reactive, to get curious as to what it is about.

·       Why am I feeling victimized?

·       What is it that I really care about?

·       Why do I feel compelled to rescue someone else or myself from discomfort?

·       Why am I trying to take control, and could I be persecuting myself or someone else?

 Being the helper makes me feel better, however, for only a short while. The reality is, when I use TED* to be my Rescuer from the difficult emotions of living in the DDT,  I am really not growing and changing.  It only becomes my quick fix.

 When we are stuck in drama, it is ok to stay there for a bit. Feel the feels. It’s ok. You have permission. Get curious, not furious, as they say. Seek to understand what has you stuck and when you are ready, get clear on how you want to shift and why. Just remember that staying in discomfort is not an excuse to treat others poorly in the process.

 I have found in my life that this new pattern of recognizing when I am in the DDT requires that I sit there long enough to understand and learn from it. Being thoughtful about my shift has given me great insight into myself and tools so I can rebound more effectively.  This gives me renewed energy to deepen my relationship with myself and others.

 TED* will always be your friend but doesn’t need to be your Rescuer.

 Here’s to the Creator in you,

 Jennifer Herold

Learn more about Jennifer here: www.vaughanherold.com